Eddie Caputo & The Haunted Oven
by QueenOfDarkComedy
Summary: A transcript of an RPG that my friend, Jeanine o and I did back on Chuckyholics when that website was still around. Chucky, Tiffany, and Eddie sit around the Ray family's living room telling 'scary' stories to Glen and Glenda, which end up turning into a a competition between Tiffany, Chucky and Eddie to out do one another in ridiculousness.


The Haunted Oven:

*Scary music starts to play*

We close in on the outside of a creepy looking house. This is the Ray residence.

Eddie Caputo is telling Glen and Glenda a scary story.

Eddie: What kind of story do you guys want?

Glenda: Tell us a scary story, Uncle Eddie!

Glen: No! I hate scary stories. . .

Chucky: Actually! That's a great idea, Glenda!

Chucky: (looking sinister) Yes Eddie! Do tell us a tale!

Eddie: Ok! This one is called. . .The Haunted Oven

*Weird scary whistling starts to play*

Eddie: Yes The HAUNTED Oven.

Once upon a time. . .

Chucky: Just tell the story you shitless moron!

Eddie: Damn it, Chucky! You ruined my introduction!

Chucky snickers.

Eddie: Anyways! I was walking through my house one day and

I heard a noise.

Glen and Glenda *gasp*

Eddie: So I get up from reading my porn mags and I go downstairs!

Tiffany: (sarcastically rolling her eyes) Creepy!

Eddie: *glares* So, I creep down the stairs to see what is down there.

Eddie: It's coming from the kitchen

Glenda: So what happens next Uncle Eddie? Does a rat bite you in the ass?

:Eddie: Worse! I open the door

Eddie: AND. . . . . .

*Shines a flashlight under his chin*

Eddie: AND THEN...I saw THIS! *shows a picture of an oven*

Glen and Glenda: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Tiffany: (rolling eyes) Eddie! Stop over exaggerating! You're upsetting the twins.

Eddie: No, really! I totally saw it! And you know what?

*shake their heads*

Eddie: The oven was haunted! POSESSED...by the soul of Charles Lee Ray!

Chucky: What the FUCK!? Are you on glue again!?

:Eddie: NO! I'm dead serious! The oven was possessed by you! Because it wanted revenge! I know this because I was there when Charles Lee Ray died! I was the man who killed him!

Chucky: You're so full of shit your eyes are brown! That is NOT how it happened!

Eddie: SHUT UP! It is too! You weren't even there, so how do you know its untrue?!

Chucky: You just fucking said I was! I'm the oven, remember!?

Eddie: Aha! Now you admit it!

Chucky: That's it…I'm calling the cops. . .

Eddie: Wait until I finish telling my story!

Glen: So what did you do then, Uncle Eddie!

Eddie: Well I tried to scare him away by drawing a scary picture of a pony!

Glen and Glenda: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Eddie: And I scared him. . .WITH THIS!

*Eddie flashes the picture of the pony under the flashlight*

Glen and Glenda *GASP*

Chucky: LOL! Eddie! WTF is that!

Eddie: Shut up Chucky! I worked really hard on this.

Chucky: You dork!

Eddie: Anyways! So this bum comes in my house and I'm like WOAH!

Eddie shows the twins a picture of the peddler from the first film.

Glenda: Geez! That guy really needs to get his teeth checked.

Eddie: so the bum told me...

Bum: I can help you with that oven! You just need to wear a thong from a thousand ass cracks, look into the mirror and say the name three times...

candyman! candyman! candyman!

Eddie: but I don't have a thousand ass crack thong!

Bum: here! *hacks and spits* use my special, handy dandy 2 thousand ass crack thong!

Eddie: Thank you...*puts on the smelly thing* why do I need to wear this?

Bum: Because your ass will stink so bad that the man won't think to kill ya!

Chucky: (surprised, that his eyes bulged out of his head) HOLD UPPP!

:eddie: WHAT?!

Chucky: *disgusted* YOU put on a thong that was worn form 2 thousand people?!

Chucky: That's disgusting…

Eddie: Shut up Chucky!

Glenda: Yeah!

Glen: go coco puffs!

Eddie: OK...like I was saying...I put on the thong...

*Shows Eddie in front of a mirror he says the candy man three times and 2 people show up*

Candyman: *looks at willy* what the hell?!

WillyWonka: Howdy!

Candyman: What the hell is this shit?

WillyWonka: Not shit! Coco! may I offer you some?

Candyman: Candyman chant is mine! Get out of here and retreat to your dome of diabetes!

WillyWonka: I can't, you know why?

CandyMan: Because you can't pay off the obvious fake whitening job of your teeth?

Willywonka: No...because I'm out of work! My retirement plan won't kick in till I'm 67!

Candyman: How old are you?

*WillyWonka thinks stupidly and says the first thing that coms into his mind*

WillyWonka: 7 years old!

Candyman: *spits up in laughter*

Willywonka: it's not funny! Going through puberty at 2 years of age isn't fun!

Candyman: No matter! Candyman is my title and my title only! I'm not going to let some top hat white boy take that away form me! BONESS!

A bunch of maggots comes out of no where buliding themselves up on each other forming the famous Bones

Bones: ye?

CandyMan: This boy thinks he all that because he use to own a Chocolate Factory!

Bones: That so?

WillyWonka: Gentleman...fighting brings no answers...but easter bunnys do!

CandyMan: That's it! *candyman swings his hook and rips out willywonka's jaw*

Bones: Eh! Chico! Binny! *2 dogs comes out looking very angry* sik'em!

The 2 dogs run to willywonka and start to tear at him eating every part of him till everything is gone. then they retreat to they're master.

Bones: good dogs *pet them and pulls willa wonka's cane form Binny's mouth* Nice...I could use this...

CandyMan: Thanks bones...

Bones: Anytime...*turns himself and his dogs into maggots and they disappear*

CandyMan: OK...what do you need help with...

He shows Eddie and the bum paying strip poker, eddie is in his thong and shoes and the bum is just in his thong. Eddie realizes the whole fight is over and stands up

Eddie: Ohh! uh...*thinks* what do I need help with again?

Bum: The oven!

Eddie: Yeah ,the oven!

Candyman: what about it?

Eddie: it's possessed!

Candyman: Stand back!

Eddie and the bum stand back while the Candyman does his due!

the oven hops out of the house with brown hair and flaming ass!

Oven: Space bunnies must die!

Then the candy man spews bees out of his mouth, attacking the oven

Oven: AHHHH! NO! The Burn! The burn! *oven falls over*

:Eddie: Oh yeah!

Bum: Our hero!

Candyman: just this once! not always!

Candyman disappears and the oven comes to life again

Eddie: Oh NO!

Bum: The head wasn't cut off!

Eddie: ovens don't have heads!

Eddie and the bum screams high pitched.

The story stops for a min.

Tiffany: Oh grow UP, Eddie. That's the most ridiculous story I've ever heard….

Eddie: I'll tell them Tiffany! I will tell them!

Tiffany: You wouldn't!

Eddie: Oh I would!

*Toilet flushes and Chucky walks out of the bathroom*

Chucky: Yeah! Tell them what, Eddie?

Glenda: Yeah Uncle Eddie! What were you going to tell us?

Eddie: Um...Um

Chucky glares at Eddie.

Eddie: Um!

Glenda: *snickers*

Eddie: UM! UM!

Chucky: What is it you moron?! ! ! !

Eddie: Then Mango came in!

Chucky and Tiffany: Mango?

:Eddie: Yes! Mango!

Tiffany: (thought bubble) Thank Gods I'm not a part of this story. . .

Eddie: So then Tiffany walked in the door!

Glen and Glenda: *MAJOR GASP*

Tiffany glares at Eddie.

Chucky waits anticipating

Eddie: Yeah! We were in the bar. . . in walks Tiffany!

Tiffany: Eddie! You better shut up right now!

Chucky: YEAH, EDDIE!... Wait, what's going on?

Tiffany: Never you mind!

Eddie: Why, Tiffany? I really think he should hear this!

Glenda: What happened Uncle, Eddie? What was she doing?

Eddie: Well...she was hanging out with some weird people, I tell ya.

Tiffany: I'm WARNING you right NOW, Eddie!

Eddie: THIS is who she was hanging out with!

Glen and Glenda: *MAJOR GASP*

Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!

Tiffany: *sobbing* I'm not proud of myself you know! I was just upset because you were dead so I turned to my REAL friends!

Chucky: *singing* Tiffany's a closet Care Bear fan, na na na na!

Tiffany: SHUT UP! Do you want me to talk about who YOUR friends were in the forth grade?

Chucky: NO...NO!

Tiffany: I'm going to!

Chucky: NOOOOOOOO!

Tiffany: The WIGGLES!

Glen, Glenda and Eddie:

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Chucky: Shut up! They were the only kids who were ever nice to me! And then they told me that the only reason they were hanging out with me is because they lost a bet!

Tiffany, Glen, Glenda, and Eddie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Chucky: Shut up! All of you! Stop laughing! God, it's like 4rth grade all over again! Just...just LEAVE ME ALONE! *runs to his room sobbing like a man*

Glenda: So get back to the story, Uncle! What was mom and the Care bears doing?

Tiffany: Don't you say anything!

Eddie: Well!

Tiffany: Eddie! Don't make me get Chucky on your ass!

Eddie: Your mother-

Tiffany: Noooooooooooooooooo!

Eddie: -was out with Freddy Krueger!

Chucky: *comes out from his room* …WHAT?!

Chucky: Tiffany!

Tiffany: It was one fucking date!

Eddie: Glen and Glenda: *LAUGHS HISTERICALLY*

Chucky: Eddie! If you were smart! Which you're not...You would shut up immediately!

Eddie: Then the rest of the guys came in! Candyman, Jason, Micheal Myers,

Leprechaun . . .

Chucky: HEY! Old Lep owes me FIVE gold coins!

Eddie: So I picked up the only thing I could find at the time, which was a Melon...

Chucky: Did it look like your head?

Eddie: Yes! I mean No! Shut up! I'm trying to tell the story! Now stop interrupting...anyways, i picked up the melon and threw it at the leprechaun which knocked his head off and green goop stated spurting everywher. So he went to go play basketball after that. The Lepcichauns vs The Raptors...it was a good game, I was there in the stands. A riot broke out, and then who should I see, but FAT BASTARD!

He saw the Leprechaun and said "GET IN MAH BELLEH!" And started chasing them...it was crazy! Everybody was fighting, and things were on fire...there was only one person who could save us all...and that was Elton John! Who showed up with his piano and. . .

Chucky: Alright, Eddie…I think we've heard quite enough!

Eddie: Whattt? No! I haven't even got to the good part yet, I mean its really exciting! The twins wanna heard how the story ends!

Glenda: Actually, I stopped listening about 20 minutes ago.

Glen: Yeah...it was getting too boring

Tiffany: Not to mention farfetched! Leprechauns, and Elton John...I mean where the hell did that come from!?

Chucky: I've got a better story that you're all going to love! It's about what the seniors did to Eddie on his first day of high school!

Eddie: No, for the love of Damballa! Don't bring that up again! I thought we decided to never speak of that day again!

Chucky: Hey at least THIS story is true! I doesn't have me as an oven or whatever it was that you said!...anyway. . .

Chucky: Hey kids!

Glen and Glenda Yeah?

Chucky: Want to hear what happened to Eddie on his first day of school?

Glen and Glenda: YEAH!

Chucky: Oh yes, this is quite a memory too!

:Eddie: Chucky I swear-!

()_() QUIET YOU! I wanna hear this too!

Chucky: Ma! Go home!

()_() Up yours you horses ass! *walks to the door and slams it*

Chucky: Anyways!-

:Eddie: Chucky!

Chucky: Shut up Eddie! I'm warning you! don't make me get the hose!

:Eddie: *grumbles*

Chucky: Ok! Now as I was say, it was our first day of school and Eddie's mother made him come to school in this costume:

*insert crazy costume here*

Everyone: *LAUGHS*

Tiffany: What the fuck?

Chucky: He had to streak across the field at one of the football games.

Glen and Glenda: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

Glenda: So what happened, did he do it?

Eddie: NO! I did not!

Chucky: The hell you didn't! But the funniest part was, he did it right in the middle of the kick off and the ball hit him right in the side of the head and knocked him out!

Glen and Glenda: BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Eddie: Wait a minute, Chucky! There's more to that story! *grins evily*

Chucky: Whaddaya mean!?

Eddie: Ohh..so you don't remember what happened when the seniors found out that you were friends with me?

Chucky: Don't...you..fucking DARE bring that shit up!

Tiffany: Oh! I seem to remember this story too! *snickers*

Glen: What!? What happened?

Eddie: Well. . .

Chucky: Shut the FUCK up! I'm warning you!

Eddie: Hehehe. . .

Eddie: Well! The clan of sorority boys found Chucky showering in the locker room after gym class.

Chucky: EDDIE!

Everyone: *SNICKERS*

Eddie: So they grabbed Chucky, butt naked and all-!

Chucky EDDIE! SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I SWEAR TO DAMBALLA-!

Eddie: -And they tied rubber boobies to his chest, and tied him to a chair, painted his face with clown make up, then duck taped his eyes and slid him out in to the hallway!

Everyone: HAHAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHHAHAAA!

Chucky: YOU SON OF A BITCH! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!

Eddie: Sure Chucky! Like the time you and the oven killed me.

Chucky: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THAT God DAMN OVEN!

Chucky: You are going to get it soooooooo bad Eddie! I swear!

Eddie: You kids want to hear what happened to your daddy after the sorority boys pushed him out in to the hall?

Glen and Glenda: YEAH!

Chucky: You mother f-

Eddie: So Theennnnn The principal walks out of his office and got really mad...he was like "You can't expose yourself like this to the whole school! Its indecent!" And so he made Chucky wear this giant diaper, because it was the only piece of clothing available at the time! And it got caught on fire by the Bunsen burner in the science lab!

Glen and Glenda: HA HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Chucky: Yeah, laugh it up, kids!

Chucky: Wait until you hear what happened NEXT!

Eddie: O_O NO!

Chucky: *sinister look* YES!

Eddie: O_ NOOOOOO!

Chucky: Yes! YESSS!

Chucky: Eddie wanted to ask this really popular girl named Ashley Clark to the Halloween dance.

Eddie: WHY! must you make me a public mockery of me everyday!?

Chucky: What!?

Eddie: you heard me! Every single day since PREschool, you've made me look like a flippin idiot! maybe if I hadn't felt sorry for you because you were such a LONER I could have been in the cool crowd!

Chucky: What the fuck are you rambling on about? The cool kids HATED you!

Eddie: Why do you think that is? Because I started hanging out with YOU! And you were jealous of me so you made me the laughing stock of everybody!

Chucky: Oh yeah? Name one time!

Eddie: Hmm..lets see!

*Flashback*

A very small kindergarten version of Eddie sits down at a table for snack time, when a kindergarten version of Chucky dumps his cup of juice in his lap.

Little Chucky: LOOK EVERYONE, EDDIE CAPUTO PEED HIS PANTS!

Class: *points* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Eddie: *sniffles*

Another flashback of Chucky and Eddie in fourth grade...Eddie is carrying a large stack of books when Chucky comes up to him.

Chucky: hey Eddie! Look over there!

Eddie: Huh? *looks*

Chucky: *knocks the stack of books out of his hands and runs down the halls laughing his infamous laugh*

*Another flashback of them at graduation*

Teacher at the microphone: And now, a speech by Eddie Caputo.

As Eddie walks up to the microphone, Chucky sticks out his foot and trips him. He falls off stage and the whole auditorium roars with laughter*

*End Flashback*

Chucky: But those are all funny memories! Right kids!?

Glen: Geez, dad...you really are a jerk!

Chucky: WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME!?

Glen: Nothing. . .

Chucky: That's what I thought you said!

Eddie: He's right, you know! What about the time I asked Ashley Clark to the dance and you totally screwed everything up for me! She would have said yes if it wasn't for you!

Glenda: What do you mean, Uncle Eddie?

Eddie: Well . . .

Eddie: It was a day like any other day. . .

*The screen goes all watery and we fade into Chucky and Eddie's high school years*

A young Eddie walks up to a long blonde haired girl.

Eddie: Hey Ashley! Would you like to go to the dance with me?

Eddie: Apparently Chucky thought it would be funny if he ran up to me and pulled my jumper off.

Chucky: Hahahahaha! You dork!

Eddie was left with a bow tie standing in a thong.

Ashley: Ummm...nooooo! I don't date streakers.

Random guy named Chris: Hey Steve-o! I think we've got a new routine for our show!

Steve-o: Right on!

Glenda: So what happened next?

Glen: Yeah, Uncle Eddie! Did you get datty back?

Eddie: Even worse! After class-

Chucky: EDDIE I AM SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF THESE BULLSHIT STORIES!

THIS IS SO HUMILIATING! SHUT UP!

Everyone: *stares at Chucky: for a while*

Chucky: You're going down after story time. . .

Eddie: So anyways! As I was saying. . .After class, I followed Chucky home.

His parents always worked during the day so he would go up into his room, undress, and-

Chucky: You are DEAD! I am going to rip you limb from li-

Tiffany: Chucky! Shut the fuck up! You are ruining the humiliating stories!

Chucky: Tiff! How would you feel if we told stories about you!

Tiffany: Hey! That care bears one was enough!

Chucky: Oh! But there's more!

Tiffany: *gasps* You wouldn't!

Chucky: Oh I would!

Tiffany: Eddie! Continue on with the story!

Eddie: Ok! So anyways. . .

Chucky: Hold up Eddie, lets put this story on hold for a minute!

Chucky: I think its Tiffany's turn in the spotlight

Tiffany: You're SUCH an asshole! You have NO right to tell our children humiliating stories about me!

Glenda: Awww! But we really wanna hear!

Glen: Yeah, dad! Tell the story!

Chucky: You lose, Tiff! 3 against 1

Tiffany: *snarls*

Chucky: This is the story of the time Tiffany appeared on the game show, The Price is Right Back in 82. . .

Tiffany: I fuckin hate you. . .

Chucky: Back in the 80's your mom's hair use to look like this:

*SHOWS A PICTURE OF REALLY BUSHY PUBIC EIGHTIES HAIR*

Glen and Glenda: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

Tiffany: Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

Chucky: And she insisted on wearing a bright yellow t-shirt that said "Bob, I want to have hot steamy monkey sex with you on you're front porch"

Glen and Glenda: Huh?

Tiffany: I thought it would improve my chances of getting picked, ok?

Chucky: Yeah, well it didn't because PBS censored it out the whole time! So anyways. . .

*Watery fade into the Price is Right studio in 1982*

Announcer man: Tiffany Valentine! You're the next contestant on The Price is right! Come on Down!

An eighties version of Tiff with HUGE hair stands up in the audience the front of her T-shirt is blurred out.

Tiff: OMFG! *fans herself with her hands*

Lets Go by the carrs blairs as she runs down to the bidding things, her 'fro bounces up and down as she runs.

Bob: Now you are all bidding on This:

Announcer: A microwave! This microwave will heat all your food to room temperature!

Bob: Contestants, how much would you like to bid on this one of a kind microwave?

First contestant: $140

2nd: $250

3rd: $600

Tiffany: $1.00, Bob!

Bob: and the actual retail price ..$85!

Tiffany: *Screams at the top of her lungs and jumps up and down*

She runs on stage and hugs Bob.

Bob: Tiffany, you are playing for this...

*Prize door opens*

Announcer: A New CAR!

Tiffany: *squeals*OHMYGAWWWWWWWWWWD!

Announcer: His shiny red Mustang convertible seats 5 people and has a drink holder!

Tiffany: A DRINK HOLDER!? *squeals*

Bob: And it can be yours IF you can put the 4 prices of these items in order!

Tiffany: F**K THAT BOB! I want my car! *runs over to the car, The price is right girl tries to stop her* GET OUT OF MY WAY, BITCH! *grabs her by the hair and starts beating the crap out of her*

Bob: Oh my God! Security! SECURITY!

After Tiffany has beaten the girl's face to a bloody pulp, she climbs in the car and attempts to highjack it. Security guards surround her. One opens the car and pulls her out

Tiffany: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! I want my drink holder! I WANT MY DRINK HOLDER!

They drag her off stage

Bib: *faces the audience* Folks...this has never happened before in Price is right History.. . .

Tiffany: YOU SCREWED ME OVER, BOB! I WANT MY CAR! *runs onstage and tackles him* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Fades out as Tiffany is beating Bob Barker with his own microphone

Glen: Did you win the car mom?

Tiffany: NO!

Glen and Glenda: Hahahahaahhaha!

Glenda: Ok...Now I'VE got a humiliating story to tell!

Tiffany: About who, Glenda?

Glenda: About Glen!

Glen: *MAJOR GASP*

Glen: GLENDA NO! You promised!

Glenda: Bahahahahaha! Are you kidding me?!

Glen starts to cry.

Tiffany: Glenda! Be nice!

Chucky: I want to hear it!

Glen: Dad!

Tiffany: Chucky! Glenda is NOT telling us a humiliating story about her brother!

See! We are setting a bad example for the twins!

Chucky: Well! If she tells a humiliating story about me then I get to tell one about her!

Glenda: Done!

Glenda: Ok! Last weekend, Glen and I went to Whitney Higgins party and-

Glen: Oh no Glenda! can't you tell some other story!

Glenda: Shut up, Glen! Anyways! Glen and I were hanging out with our regular group of friends, and Glen pulled out a little bag of pot.

Glen: DAD gave it to me!

Tiffany: *angry* What?! *turns to Chucky*

Chucky: *smiles* Whaaat? I told him to share it with his friends!

Tiffany: Chucky! You asshole! You're setting an EXTREMELY major bad example for the twins!

Glen: I didn't even know what it was! He just gave it to me.

Tiffany: It's ok sweetface!

Tiffany: Your father and sister are in big trouble!

Glenda: What did I do?

Tiffany You knew what it was!

Glenda: Can we continue with the story?

Tiffany: No!

Eddie: Yes!

Glenda: Glen hangs out with the stoner band camp kids, so we decided to all smoke some pot. So this one guy whose dad owns a farm asked us if we would like to come and party at his farm. Of course, this guy had chickens, pigs, and everything!

Glen: Please don't tell them. . .

Glenda: So we're all high on shrooms and Glen walks up to this hairy pig named

Wilber.

Glen blushes.

Glenda: So he starts talking to the pig.

*fades into the farm scene of Glen walking towards the pig*

Glen: Say old chap! Would you like someone to ride you?

I'm a champion pig rider. . .

Chucky: Hahahahahaha!

Tiffany: Glen! I told you to stay away from that pig after what happened!

Glen: How was I supposed to know that it was the same pig. . .that was years ago when you and dad and Uncle Eddie took me out because you guys were drunk.

Chucky: Hey! Do NOT bring that up!

Eddie: What?! How come I haven't heard about this?

Chucky: Because you were there when it happened.

Eddie: WHAT?!


End file.
